For Daphne and me, Breaking Bad has had a special meaning. We began watching the series last October. We pledged to only ever watch episodes together. I remember talking to Tomas in Capture Green in Prespes, him telling us he’s a chemical engineer and us joking about it. We were still in season 1.
As it happened, by last January, when I left for Sofia, we hadn’t even finished the third season. So in the past few months we could only watch episodes when we were either 1) physically together in the same room, whether in Sofia or in Athens, or 2) Skyping. The latter proved to be less than satisfying and too much of a hassle really – because watching Breaking Bad “together” also meant pressing play at the same time, pausing whenever the other person paused, waiting for the other person to get the episode right (my old laptop not capable of handling correctly any kind of video larger than the size a post stamp) etc. Meanwhile, Vicente, Miro and Garret all started watching it almost simultaneously and blew through it from end to end in a matter of weeks. We were still at the end of season 4 when Garret wrote this and this. Vicente overtook us somewhere around May and the beginning of season 5.
It really didn’t help that the series had its finale right before we started watching it, so we really had to be careful not to stumble upon spoilers scattered about by enthusiastic but careless watchers…
What I just wrote gave me some pause. What are the rules of spoilers? I had to go back and check one Idea Channel episode exactly on this that had caught my eye but I didn’t watch. Here:
No matter your position on the “Mitch and Greg to Emily continuum” (watch it and you’ll understand), posting something like “OMG! So-and-so DIED!” on your Facebook wall (as typically happens with the airing of each new Game of Thrones episode as well and leads people to Friends List culling) breaks every possible rule suggested. What goes through these people’s minds when they do things like this, unless they’re trolls, defeats me.
Anyway. A few days ago (on the momentous day of July 31st to be exact) we did it. We finally finished Breaking Bad. And it was good. It was heroic. We watched four episodes in a single day – can’t remember when the last time I did that was. No binge-watchers here, for better or worse… It’s amazing how many things I’ve started but never finished, if I get down to it. That I followed the whole series through, all 62 episodes of it, to the bitter(sweet?) end, hell, that alone speaks volumes when it comes to me. Sadly. Or not. I don’t know. It’s just the way I am I suppose: deriving pleasure from starting things – not bringing them to an end. For books it’s another story… but for series, or games, I am like this.
I don’t know what I can say. Explaining why things are good by dissecting them isn’t my forte at all. I can tell you such little tidbits as “I could never see it coming!”, “soooo suspenseful, so stressful!“, “the photography and direction were incredible“, “such strong characters!”, “I love Gus Fring, bitch”, “better call Saul!”, “where’s Miiiike?”, “everybody’s so fucked”, and maybe that’ll give you an idea.
I could also tell you that, unlike many other people who like to take pride in being able to figure out what will happen at the end of a given story, I’m typically quite bad at it. What I thought would happen at the end when we were watching the first few episodes had already happened by the end of season 2, so the actual seasons 4 and 5 were quite a ride through the unknown and unexpected.
Good thing I wasn’t spoiled.
For rounding off this mini-tribute, some more praise and discussion of the series.
The simple fact of the matter is that I’m sick of the internet.
Got your attention?
I’ve been wanting to write this post for the past several days. It came to me when my laptop stopped working for a day, and I was somehow relieved that I had an excuse not to check my e-mail, my facebook, follow through with my obligations. In truth, I think I’ve wanted to write this for the past several years, but the time was never just right – or I was not ready to take things seriously.
Now the time is right. I know because I’ve had this heavy feeling in the greater area of my heart and stomach all day, the same bodily sensation I get every time I get the urgency to publish something important for me. In fact, it’s the exact same feeling I get before I ask a girl I like out, have an exam coming, or need to make a phone call to somebody I’ve never met before. It’s the flinch, but it’s funny how a simple sudden need to write something makes me experience the same physical reactions to insecurity, the knowledge of what’s to come, the question of whether it will be accepted or rejected (tell me again, which one’s worse?)
Before you say anything, I know. I know all that. All of it. I’ve had my life shaped by being online, guided by it. If there was a poster child for this brand new technology 30 years ago, I could have been it. I even studied the thing in university, both from a more theoretical, humanistic perspective and a drier, technical approach. The only reason I believe I might not be the most suitable person to talk about it today is that every day, to I’ put it politely, I’m becoming less of a fan.
To give you a rough idea of how long I’ve been a user, I have had access to the internet generally available to me since I was 8 years old – my father’s 28.8kbps with GroovyNet. That meant web surfing about twice a month on the weekends I used to spend with that side of my family. All I would search for on AltaVista or Yahoo would be related to Nintendo, Mario or Donkey Kong. I’m talking about 1997 here.
I’m not going to say more about my own personal history and milestones of net use (i.e. when I made my first e-mail address, when I first had a net connection of my very own, my first online game, my first download from P2P networks or my first social network account, even the first post on this very website), for the very simple reason that, for the majority of my life, these internet-related milestones had been so closely connected (heh) to my real-life history, that any attempt of recording or writing about them would be like trying to write something about my life the past 15 or so years in general. The boundaries between online and offline life would be arbitrary. It would be like a book no-one wants to read, because they have their own sitting right next to them.
I won’t go into details about how the internet is important today, either, but I will do a rough run down. We all know about it more or less: it’s the fastest growing (tele)communications technology in the history of our species, at least as far as we know; it has created new dynamics in virtually every field, accelerating change in unprecedented rates and paving the way for greater shifts yet; it has proven a disruption in the status quo, an experiment gone wild, an almost unharnessable beast with inner workings that global capitalist, democratic, free market societies weren’t prepared for and still don’t know how to manage.
For human communities and communication, it’s been the culmination of all human inventions to this point, the convergence of all human endeavours to create this network of everything, everywhere, a single entity that contains the entirety of our heritage and makes it available to all. It’s the connection of anybody with anybody else. In 20 years – less! – we’ve created this thing, this pulsing, vibrating cybernetic superconstruction that would make science fiction writers of just 30 years ago pee themselves with excitement and anticipation. We live in the future!
How do you, personally, feel about that? Do you realise what important times we live in? Speaking for myself, writing the above gave me a rushing sensation, just for a second there. It was surprising, to tell you the truth: the net nowadays has been making me little more than numb.
Which brings me to my initial point. I’m sick of it.
Rant incoming.
I’m sick of Facebook. Sick of everybody obsessing over themselves so much. Sick of selfies, sick of cries of attention which are answered by other, louder cries for attention. Sick of how our stupidity, our short-sightedness hasn’t been cured or at least lessened by our newfound ability to communicate more efficiently than ever, but instead we’ve inadvertently used these tools to make stupidity travel harder, better, faster, stronger.
I’m sick of having to think about checking my multiple e-mail accounts, their unusually high number explainable by my taste for playing around with nicknames and forever tranforming identities, and my peculiar distaste for comfortably centralising my communications. Call me also slightly paranoid – I’m sick of that too. I’m sick of having to worry about not replying as soon as possible, sick of “not having checked my e-mail” not counting as an excuse anymore. Who cares if I really don’t have a smartphone – for how much longer still unknown?
I’m sick of the routine of it. Checking the same site again and again, the pointless refresh. If I’m going to do something in the morning, why does it have to be checking the false news of a false world on a website full of shills paid to swerve public opinion this way and that? Do I really need to know what’s happening, all the time, if I can only ever remember so little of it, talk about less of it and act on almost nothing of it? If the net is the most democratic medium we have, what happens when, after everyone and their grandmother has facebook and can make their comment and opinion public for all to see and be somehow influenced by, the same shit we experience in everyday life is copied to the web?
I’m sick of a web, a “democracy”, where trolls set the scene and have the upper hand, sick of pitiful little men that externalise their social anxieties and complexes in a space that can’t really harm them, being the driving force in some of the worst cybercultural phenomena we get to see online. But I wish it was just trolls: I’m sick of everybody’s self-centered non-trolling opinions, too. If we give everyone a voice online, we should be able to call the bullshit. But why do our bullshit detectors work so much less effectively online than in real life? Isn’t it a little bit like the mere fact that somebody’s doing something online, it’s given more validity than if it were done offline? Is that just the novelty of the medium that will soon pass? It’s no wonder @AvoidComments exists and that some sites have disabled their comments features altogether…
I’m sick of people smugly declaring they don’t have a television when asked if they’ve heard of the news on this or that celebrity, but they spend more time watching Youtube videos or TV series than they ever spent on watching classic old WeTube in the past.
I’m sick of writing “I’m sick of”, so I’m going to externalise and project a little bit here.
How do you feel about having to stack up against the whole world with your creativity? How many times have you had a great idea but did nothing to make it happen, because the thought that “somebody else must have done it already” killed it on the spot, and to make matters worse, you googled it just to be sure and somebody else had already executed it 5 times better than what you had even conceived of, sending you even farther down that internal pit? How does that make you feel? Why?
When was the last time you talked to each of those tens of Skype/MSN/whatever friends? Are you still interested in what they’re doing? Would you consider that the internet is bringing you closer to them?
How about reading? What was the best article you read the past week? The past month? No, you’re not allowed to look up your browser history. Go on, tell me what it said. What’s that? You can’t?
The pictures you have online, things you wrote a while ago, all that… Do you ever consider that people looking up your name have access to that and can paint a mental picture of who you are now based on who you were 5 years ago? In another 5 years or 10 years from now, these numbers will have skyrocketed. Do you want that? How does it make you feel? For me it used to be really stressful that somebody might have the wrong idea of who I am (I have some form of social anxiety IRL about being misunderstood and rejected, which translates in interesting ways in the webosphere) but there’s increasingly nothing I can do and I’ve just sort of embraced the fluidity. You can’t win them all anyway. I suppose you just have to live with your everything being public and always be appropriately mindful of your actions online.
All this makes it very hard to disown things you did and said in the past, however. We’re not allowed to purge, which is I think very normal behaviour we should be encouraging more, and neither are we allowed to change as people; if we change we instantly create inconsistencies across the various existing representations of us online. If I wish to stop using the name cubilone, for example, because I no longer identify with what the name carries with it, who will be the tens of cubilones you can find on the web?
Talking about public, have you been finding it more stressful to decide what you should be sharing and what not? I have been very bad with sharing lately, and don’t consider most details about my current life as worth sharing with others, including things I would definitely post here in the past. Remember, though: I’ve had the ‘mension for almost 7 years. Who’s not to change his or her habits in that time?
But no, I’m talking also about sites like Tumblr, Pinterest etc. Sites that force the whole damn interestnet (read that again carefully) down your virtual gullet before you’ve even had the chance to blink/chew. Tumblr especially is excellent at making you insensitive to beauty. Time and time again I’ve caught myself and others scrolling down the feed, giving a split second of attention to pictures that under different conditions would have made it to our desktop background. What happened? Have we forgotten to stop and appreciate? If we haven’t yet, I reckon we’re well on our way down that path.
I’ve talked and written about the web and infinite novelty before but, as you can see if you click on that link, I wasn’t able to limit my susceptibility to it in the 7 months that have passed since the post above. It’s a dangerous thing that can silently devastate a mind such as mine that feeds on new ideas and connections and is always on the lookout for the novel and the untried. Indulging myself in infinite novelty feels right, more or less because surrendering myself to it is one of my strongest habits, but at this point I think it’s time I admitted that it’s poisonous for my creativity and my ability to concentrate; it’s detrimental for my already distracted personality constantly spread thin, and it’s bad for my mental health, my relationships and happiness in general.
Does any of this resonate with you at all?
Good. It’s time we did something about it, don’t you agree?
I’ve decided to do it the hard way, since everything else I’ve tried to this day has more or less failed. I will use the internet less – I will force myself to use it less. Everything: skyping, downloading, facebooking, e-mails, checking up on that book I learned about earlier in the day, writing on the blog, working on my sites… Everything.
At this point, I want to make it clear that I don’t think the internet is all bad. It’s an extremely powerful tool that can be used to do incredible things, spread world-changing ideas or just help people keep in touch, and it’s very practical, too. I’m not saying we should forfeit all the great things the internet has brought in our lives – at this point we can hardly turn back, anyway. What I’m trying to say with this post is that the power of the internet has to be harnessed. One has to be smart about using it and not surrender oneself to its siren song. I believe that by dramatically limiting my access to it I will be in the position to use it more purposefully, and I believe so would you.
My internet access days will be Wednesdays and Saturdays. I might add another day or two for emergency Skype calls that can’t be avoided, but generally, this will be it. I will keep it up for at least the next 24 days, the duration of the rest of my 7×7 challenge, but I aim to keep it up past that point.
This is a personal experiment, but I wish to find other people to join me in this quixotic quest. Will you take a stand with me, friends?
And if you didn’t catch today’s deals, don’t worry!
Steam’s Autumn Sale 2013. Here we go again. Daily deals. Yesterday’s deals. Flash deals. Community picks.
There are 86 games in my account: most of them I’ve bought in different Humble Bundles or other sales, such as the ridiculous Holiday Sale of 2011. I’ve played less than half of them and even less than half of those have I “completed” – quotes because the games that I prefer nowadays are generally speaking impossible to complete. A relatively small fraction of those 86 games I got through Game 2.0 for reviewing. I don’t receive physical copies anymore, but I’ve long got over the need of owning real copies of games, especially after getting stuck with boxed copies of games that are tied to Steam keys and which I therefore can’t sell – I’m looking at you, stack of Total Wars!
This time around, you threw in our faces Skyrim Legendary Edition for 13€, Bioshock Infinite for 7.5€, Spelunky for 3€ and Civilization V Gold and the expansion Brave New World for 10€ each. Of all of the above I only resisted to buying Skyrim (it sounded very enticing but I doubt I can give it the time it probably deserves at this point), and still believe I will buy more games before the deals are over (eyeing Super Hexagon and Anno 2070). Only a fool would skip on those prices… And then you’re going to have the Holiday Sale, of course you will. I hope we’ll at least have enough time to enjoy Civilization V online with Garret and Daphne who both got the game the day before during the sale – actually, I got it for Daphne because she seems to love it so much; who would have thought that the hot seat would have grown this hot?
I feel as if I’m being manipulated to no end. It’s confusing to my Fi (ethical system/inner values to you MBTI beginners!) – which dictates that I should at least be trying to avoid being exactly like women going crazy in the shopping mall – as well as it is destructive to my wallet and my time management. You’re tearing me apart, Steama!
But seriously. What gives? How can this even work? How can you have 1532 sales every year without cheating all of the producers and developers? How is this system viable at all? I mean, with these sales and the existence and dominance of Humble Bundle, combined with the ridiculous prices games have at launch only for them to be reduced in a matter of months through these offers (and given the extreme oversaturation of the market), it’s no wonder top AAA games are slowly becoming obsolete. Given of course that people just don’t have enough money to spend on consoles (most of the people I know don’t want to buy a new console, either because of lack of interest, money or both), it’s really no wonder that you, with your cheap, flexible and robust system (and your upcoming Steam Machines) and iOS with its innovation and low prices are looking like you will together dominate the industry even further. And really, what would happen if everybody eventually stopped buying games on day one or – god forbid – stopped preordering like tiny little consumeristic muppets? I’ll tell you what would happen: the entire industry would collapse. Again.
You know something? As cool and comfy as it is, deep down it makes me feel uncomfortable having all of my games in this digital vault made out of thin air. Now you look healthier than ever, but will that be the case in 10 years? 20? You had your DRM creep on us and had us get used to it, and now we bash everyone who tries to steal some of your limelight (yes, I know it’s fun to hate EA and forbidden to even slightly criticise mama Valve). Even if you have allowed offline play, you have made reselling games impossible. Why? How can I trust you, Steam? These cheap games are like a trojan horse: you’re becoming the Google of gaming – people put up with your shitty monopoly because you’re just so damn useful. What if tomorrow I have to buy your SteamMachine to play? What if I suddenly have to, say, pay a fee to access my games – even just a small one? I’d probably pay up just in order to still be able to play 90% of the games I own or play on a regular basis (most of which I certainly won’t have played even by then). Oh, maybe you’re like the other great benefactor, Facebook, which promises that it’s free and always will be. Isn’t that a role model of a company.
Maybe I’m expecting too much – or I’m too sceptical/paranoid. Maybe my thinking is a relic from a different era, when physical mattered more – was more tangible – than digital. Maybe in this Brave New World there really will be no difference between offline and online, the physical and its digital counterpart. As far as I can see, the counterpart in many ways has already replaced the original or is indistinguishable from it (or they really are the same thing). The strictly private has become public, a single thought or utterance shared with the world is immortalised and pinned to its creator forever (or at least for what the word ‘forever’ means in the beginning of the 21st century). The social as well as the commercial sphere is changing too quickly for us to figure out, and, well, honestly we’re just not that smart to understand in what ways we’re being manipulated, controlled and generally taken advantage of at this time by “free” or seemingly harmless services. I hope you can understand, though: all these huge companies who are operating as monopolies (mostly in the digital plane) at the same time working with the secret services of the world or using us in other mostly unknown nefarious ways are just scaring me. No corporation can inspire my trust. That’s all.
I hope you can understand and won’t block me from playing Civilization V because I told you these things. You know I still love you. Right?
It’s a resource for the privacy policies of different large and small websites, how they enforce them, what you can expect to have surrendered knowingly or not and, perhaps most importantly, measures you can take to use the web with a little bit less transparency.
It’s an expertly, fantastically designed website that you can’t resist not using once you get there. The information and sources are also top-notch. Very informative in this cultural representational way that always makes me feel warm and cozy inside.
It’s important, very important information, too. There’s just so much being revealed about privacy online: Snowden, Greenwald, Prism, Xkeyscore (the “God terminal into the Internet“), NSA -along with every secret service in the West at the very least- and I honestly believe that even now we know next to nothing about what’s really going on. Like a lot of things, this is going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. Thankfully, people who work on projects like Me & My Shadow give me back my trust -if only just for a little while- in the power of the Internet to make the world a better place.
PS: I just found out about Data Dealer through them, an online tycoon game in which you get to be one of those data mining corporations. The objective is to collect millions of profiles to take advantage of through various websites such as “Tracebook” and “Schmoogle”. Check it out!
Γεια σου! Κατ’ αρχάς, θα ήθελα να σε ευχαριστήσω που διαβάζεις αυτό εδώ το ποστ. Όχι τίποτα άλλο, δεν έχεις κανένα πραγματικό λόγο να το κάνεις. Υπάρχουν πολύ πιο ενδιαφέροντα πράγματα να διαβάσεις, να χαζέψεις, να δεις ή να κάνεις εκεί έξω, στον τεράστιο κόσμο γνώσης, εμπειρίας, διασκέδασης και χαζομάρας που λέγεται παγκόσμιος ιστός — εκτός κι αν ο λόγος είναι προσωποκεντρικός και θέλεις να διαβάσεις αυτά που γράφω επειδή είμαι ΕΓΩ αυτός που τα γράφω. Σε κάθε περίπτωση, η αφοσίωση σου είναι μοναδική, ειδικά αν κρίνω από την έλλειψη σχολίων τους τελευταίους μήνες. Γι’αυτό λοιπόν, και πάλι, κι επειδή δεν έχεις καμιά υποχρέωση, σ’ευχαριστώ.
Σήμερα θα γράψω για δύο κυρίως πράγματα που με απασχολούν αυτές τις μέρες και πώς αυτά συνδέονται.
Το ένα, το μεγαλύτερο, το σπουδαιότερο, είναι ότι τη περασμένη εβδομάδα πήγα στη Μυτιλήνη και έδωσα τα τρία τελευταία μαθήματα που χρώσταγα (Οργάνωση Εκθέσεων, Εφαρμογές Κινητής Τεχνολογίας, Συστήματα Διαχείρισης στον Παγκόσμιο Ιστό), και τα πέρασα. Ο κύκλος που ξεκίνησε πριν έξι χρόνια έκλεισε. Είμαι πλέον ένος απόφοιτος, πτυχιούχος Πολιτισμικής Πληροφορικής Τεχνολογίας και Επικοινωνίας. Δεν έχω το πτυχίο στο χέρι, βέβαια, αλλά for all intents and purposes…
Αυτά τα έξι χρόνια ήταν τόσο σημαντικά για μένα που δε μπορώ να μπω καν στον κόπο να αρχίσω να λέω με ποιος τρόπους άλλαξα, ωρίμασα, ενηλικιώθηκα, αγάπησα τον εαυτό μου φτιάχνοντας τον και ανακαλύπτοντας τον· δεν ξέρω πόσο απ’το καθένα αλλά αυτή ίσως να ‘ναι απ’τις μεγαλύτερες και σημαντικότερες ερωτήσεις που μπορεί να κάνει ο άνθρωπος, αν και η απάντηση πιθανόν να μην έχει σημασία. Θέλω να γράψω κάποια ποστ αφιερωμένα στους ανθρώπους, τις ιδέες και τις παραστάσεις στις οποίες χρωστάω πολύ μεγάλο μέρος αυτής της μεταμόρφωσης. Μου αρέσουν άλλωστε οι ανασκοπήσεις, όπως μου αρέσει και να θυμίζω στους ανθρώπους τον σημαντικό ρόλο που μπορεί να παίζουν ή να έχουν παίξει στη ζωή μου και να τους προσφέρω άλλο ένα χαμογελο έτσι.
Ωραία. Ας επιστρέψουμε στο γεγονός των ημερών. Τελειώνεις τα μαθήματα σου. Τα πάντα από εκεί και πέρα έχουν κάτι το χρονομετρημένο και μοιραίο. Όσους γνωστούς έβλεπα τις υπόλοιπες μέρες που ήμουν στη Μυτιλήνη είχα την αίσθηση ότι μπορεί να μη τους ξαναδώ ποτέ. Τι έπρεπε όμως να τους πω; Ποια μπορεί να είναι η απάντηση μου στις ευχές τους για καλή ζωή; Πώς μπορώ να τους χαιρετίσω με κάτι άλλο εκτός από ένα απαίσια ανειλικρινές «τα λέμε σύντομα»;
Πώς χαιρετάς κάποιον που χαιρόσουν να βλέπεις πού και πού και να μαθαίνεις νέα του όταν πήγαινες στη Μυτιλήνη, αλλά τον οποίο δεν ξέρεις αρκετά για να επιδιώκεις να συνεχίσεις να βλέπεις και η πρακτικότητα του ζητήματος τέλος πάντων το καθιστά υπερβολικά απίθανο; Υπήρχε αυτή η διμερής λυπητερή ανείπωτη παραδοχή σε πολλές από τις random encounters αυτών των ημερών.
Τι έκανα λοιπόν για να αποφύγω αυτή τη κατάματη ματιά στην «πραγματικότητα της τελευταίας συνάντησης» με πολλούς ανθρώπους που ούτως ή άλλως, όπως κι εγώ, δυσκολεύομαστε να δώσουμε σε αυτή τη συνάντηση την βαρύτητα που φανταζόμαστε ότι της αξίζει;
Δεν ανέφερα ότι είχα περάσει τα τελευταία μου μαθήματα. Δεν ανέφερα ότι τελείωσα τις σπουδές μου στη Μυτιλήνη. Περισσότερο το έκαναν άλλοι για μένα. Αυτό με έσωσε από συγχαρητήρια τα οποία δεν αξίζω (γιατί να δέχεσαι συγχαρητήρια επειδή ολοκλήρωσες κάτι που όχι μόνο πρέπει αλλά και σου αρέσει να κάνεις;), εξηγήσεις για το τι σκοπεύω να κάνω στο μέλλον, ερωτήσεις για το πώς νιώθω τις οποίες δεν θα μπορούσα να απαντήσω ειλικρινά, αλλά και βλέμματα φθόνου…
Αναρωτιώμουν: ποια είναι αυτή η λεπτή γραμμή μεταξύ ενημέρωσης των άλλων για το τι κάνεις, και καυχησιάς; Μετά από τι μετατρέπεται άραγε το «τέλειωσα τις σπουδές μου! Σoυ το λέω γιατί είμαι περήφανος και θέλω να χαρείς μαζί μου!», σε: «τέλειωσα, και στο λέω για να σου δείξω πόσο γαμάτος είμαι και για να με θαυμάσεις!»…; Αυτό που βλέπω τόσο πολύ γύρω μου είναι το δεύτερο… Μια τέτοια κρίση ανασφάλειας και ανάγκης αποδοχής και θαυμασμού βλέπω που αποφεύγω να μιλάω για μένα ώστε να μην με βάλουν στο ίδιο τσουβάλι οι άνθρωποι οι οποίοι μπορεί να είναι σαν κι εμένα και πιθανόν έχουν αρχίσει να βαριούνται να ακούνε τους άλλους να περιαυτολογούν και να παθιάζονται με την δική τους μικρή ύπαρξη.
Είναι η τέλεια στιγμή να περάσουμε στο δεύτερο από τα δύο που με απασχολούν.
Δεν συνηθίζω τον τελευταίο καιρό να γράφω για το τι συμβαίνει στη ζωή μου όπως έκανα παλιότερα. Aυτό το καλοκαίρι έκανα κάμπιγκ και απίθανες διακοπές σε πανέμορφα μέρη (Σαμοθράκη, Γαύδο) που άλλοτε θα με ενέπνεαν για μακροσκελή κείμενα. Πήρα το πρώτο μου δίπλωμα στα Γερμανικά. Είχα τη χαρά να συμμετέχω σε ένα καταπληκτικόσεμινάριο στην Σχολή Καλών Τεχνών το οποίο, έτσι όπως βαίνουν τα πράγματα, κατα πάσα πιθανότητα θα αποτελέσει σημείο καμπής για τη ζωή μου. Γνώρισα ανθρώπους που νιώθω τυχερός που γνώρισα, είχα εμπειρίες που είμαι ευγνώμων που είχα… Είχα όμως και πολύ δουλειά για να καταφέρω να περάσω αυτά τα τρία τελευταία μαθήματα. Παρ’όλ’αυτά, τίποτα εδώ· άλλοτε θα οργίαζα.
Έχω αναφερθεί κι άλλες φορές στο ότι δύο πράγματα έχουν αλλάξει αυτή τη σχεδόν μισή δεκαετία (!) που υπάρχει το cubimension, σχετικά με το τι ποστάρω και τη σχέση μου μαζί τους: 1. Καθώς μεγαλώνω, λιγότερα πράγματα με εντυπωσιάζουν (σε βαθμό που να πιστεύω ότι αξίζει να τα μοιραστώ με ένα αόρατο κοινό), συμπεριλαμβανομένων φυσικά και αυτών που κάνω εγώ. 2. Έχω αρχίσει να βλέπω καχύποπτα την όλη κουλτούρα του να αυτοπροβάλλεσαι σε μορφή blog, facebook κτλ, που προωθεί την ιδέα ότι είσαι κάτι το ιδιαίτερο μόνο και μόνο επειδή έχεις πρόσβαση σε υπολογιστή και ξέρεις να γράφεις (υποτυπωδώς). Δεν υπάρχει η διάκριση μεταξύ αξιόλογου και ποταπού, ποιοτικού και χασίματος χρόνου, αυτών που θα έδειχνες περήφανα σε όλους και αυτών που θα έδειχνες μόνο στους πιο στενούς σου φίλους, των στιγμών που θα άξιζε να σχολιαστούν και των στιγμών που καλύτερα να μίλαγαν από μόνες τους. Είναι μέρος αυτό που προανέφερα: τα να μοιράζεσαι τα νέα σου με τόσο κόσμο ταυτόχρονα (το αναλογικό αντίστοιχο θα ήταν να βγαίνεις με ντουντούκα σαν τον γύφτο στη γειτονιά και να φωνάζεις κάθε σου νέο. Μόνο που σε αυτή τη γειτονιά, όλοι σε ξέρουν…) ισορροπεί επικίνδυνα μεταξύ ενημέρωσης και ναρκισισμού, όταν οι άνθρωποι συμπεριφέρονται στον εαυτό τους λες και είναι μάρκες ή φίρμες, όπου περισσότερη προβολή, ανεξαρτήτος είδους, ακόμα και δυσφήμιση, είναι άνευ όρων θετική. Ορίστε ένα ενδιαφέρον σχετικό άρθρο, ως συνηθώς, για το facebook.
Με λίγα λόγια, αρχίζω και συνυπολογίζω τον παράγοντα «γιατί να θέλει κάποιος να διαβάσει αυτό που γράφω; Θα μάθει κάτι, θα του/της μείνει κάτι, θα κάνω κάπως τη ζωή του/της καλύτερη;» Είναι δύσκολες ερωτήσεις οι οποίες θέτουν σε αμφισβήτηση, εκτός από τον τρόπο που επιλέγουμε να εκφραζόμαστε κάθε μέρα με τους ανθρώπους γύρω μας, σε ένα πιο άμεσο επίπεδο, τους λόγους ύπαρξης αυτού του μπλογκ. Δε λέω, θέλω να μοιράζομαι πράγματα, ώραια και ενδιαφέροντα πράγματα, που βρίσκω ή που, γιατί όχι, κάνω και φτιάχνω εγώ ο ίδιος. Μου αρέσει κιόλας να γράφω πού και πού για το τι κάνω σαν να έγραφα σε δημόσιο ημερολόγιο, μου δίνει μια άρρωστα φιλάρεσκη ίσως αίσθηση ικανοποίησης να ξέρω ότι έχω ένα ημερολόγιο το οποίο οι άλλοι θα θέλουν να διαβάσουν. Έχω αποκτήσει όμως αρκετή συναίσθηση της ποταπότητας και της ματαιοδοξίας του να θέλεις ένα ευανάγνωστο ημερολόγιο, and once you see it, you can’t unsee it…
Γιατί τα γράφω όλα αυτά, τελικά; Απλά: από τη μία, ένιωσα πως το ότι πήρα πτυχίο ήταν κάτι το οποίο έπρεπε οπωσδήποτε να γράψω εδώ! Από την άλλη, η ολοένα και πιο δυνατή Ταπεινή και Διακριτική μου πλευρά φώναζε. Τα αποτελέσματα της σύγκρουσης και αυτών που εν τω μεταξύ βγήκαν στην επιφάνεια, θεώρησα πως, επιτέλους, είχαν κάποιο ενδιαφέρον.
Και μετά από αυτό το σούπερ-αυτοαναφορικό ποστίο, ας επιστρέψουμε σε αυτό που ποραγματικά έχει σημασία:
Στη Μυτιλήνη και σε ό,τι μοιραστήκαμε. Με πολλή αγάπη.
Have you ever noticed how difficult it is? First of all, there’s no longer any way to do it en masse, like a batch delete, mousedrag->shift+delete. No such thing. If you go to your friend list and start deleting your friends one by one, not only does it take some time for the page to confirm changes, the friend list is randomised every single time a friend is deleted. Even when you reject friend requests, the less polite of the two options is “Not Now”.
Not Now.
-“Wanna be friends, oh college mate I never talked to and always seemed to avoid?!”
-“Not now”.
This “not now” mentality is the same sort of that’s left my personal space brimming with useless stuff I have vowed to get rid of “someday”. Procrastination.
In a similar spirit, the randomising of friends list would be like, while sorting out your room trying to decide between the things you’d rather keep and those you should probably let go of, having everything shuffled around everywhere.
Just imagine! That little prefume you keep that reminds you of an ex ends up behind the stereo system; your wallet under some childhood photo albums; that stupid old shirt you’re holding onto just because you love the person who gifted it to you, under the bed; that battery charger you you don’t use anymore which was too expensive to throw away, too cheap and too old to sell, and you’re too bored to give away, in your underwear drawer.
I understand that Facebook has this idea that people should have a way to show off their complete personal history and past achievements. It’s a fairly natural expansion to what their modus operandi has been thus far.
The very notion of having a version of the past to which you can add anything and everything you like, quietly shoving under the carpet ignoring the things that do not go that well with your timeline, fits perfectly with how Facebook has evolved into this kitsch (I really like using this word lately) personal shrine of admiration each and every one of us has erected to ourselves. I assume readers are on facebook, of course; pardon me if you remain one of those shining beacons of exception and keep in mind that you have made a new friend; not on Facebook of course, but in this case, for a change, it shouldn’t matter.
I was shocked when Facebook announced to me almost a week ago that I had 7 days to prepare my profile before they would be imposing Timeline on it. I put a pretty cover photo. That’s about all I did to it.
But it’s OK, Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg… whoever had this idea anyway. It really is. I can understand why you felt the need to impose Timeline on everyone. As the guilt, control-freak and addiction machine Facebook really is, the Now couldn’t have ever been quite enough to keep it going — besides, no guilt or addiction would ever be possible if all there was was the Now because guilt resides in the past and addiction nests in the future; the Now is all there is, there IS no past or future. If we only understood this simple thing we would be free… but I digress.
Countless hours of spying on others, adjusting your profile, being careful about what you would post or like and where, decorating your shrine with the right number of friends, the Goldylocks Zone of interestes (not too obscure nor too mainstream, just right), wasting huge amounts of Now by cheerfully immersing ourselves in even larger amounts of nonsense…
No, Facebook couldn’t have been satisfied for long with merely the Now to feed on; it was only a matter of time before it would claim a piece of everyone’s past as well to sink its teeth in. Ooh! Now that’s a juicy piece of social anxiety and collective inferiorioty complexes.
I understand perfectly and I’m not angry. I can look behind your petty novelties, Facebook. I can see the ways in which you’re trying to trap me further, not in your own system, formidable a menace as it is, mind you, but in the belief that my past is valuable, that it is something to show off to others and base my current identity on. That it is my “story”. The beautified events you would like me to decorate my shrine with are not my story. You are feeding this collective hallucination at the same time you’re feeding from it yourself.
As far as I am concerned, the only thing you achieved by removing my choice to not have Timeline was to further confirm what I already knew about you:
that you are dangerous.
The story of your life, complete with your graduation, your old joband how you were fired because your boss found out things about you off of facebook that, well, he shouldn’t have, that super awesome trip you hadwith your girlfriendand how you couldn’t wait to return home during it, old pictures, even the ones from when you had taken on 20kg in just 6 months back in 2007, all the different places you used to live inon your parents’ money…
Λοιόν σήμερα είχα τα γενέθλια μου. ΟΚ, εξαρτάται πώς ορίζετε το σήμερα. Αν είσαστε από αυτούς τους ενοχλητικούς που επιμένουν κάθε φορά μετά τα μεσάνυχτα να σε διορθώθουν όταν λες «σήμερα», τότε ναι, χτες ήταν τα γενέθλια μου, αφού γράφω τώρα σχεδόν 5 η ώρα το πρωί.
Μου ευχήθηκαν όλοι (ή σχεδόν όλοι :[ ) οι καλοί μου φίλοι, με αρκετούς από τους οποίους ήμασταν μαζί χτες βράδυ που το ρίξαμε σε λίγο, κατα κοινή παραδοχή πετυχημένο, cross-dressing. Γενικά δεν είχα παράπονο. Όμως για κάποιον μυστηριώδη λόγο ένιωσα κάπως ξεχασμένος.
Και κατάλαβα γιατί.
Στο facebook παρατήρησα πως στο καινούργιο timeline κρατάει μέτρημα των ποιων σου έστειλαν μήνυμα την μέρα των γενεθλίων σου. Δηλαδή, σου λέει ότι πχ πριν 3 βδομάδες, στα γενέθλια σου 347 άτομα σου άφησαν μήνυμα για χρόνια πολλά. Ευτυχώς εγώ δεν έχω το τερατούργημα που λέγεται timeline, αν και φοβάμαι ότι σύντομα δεν θα έχω επιλογή.
Μου φάνηκε απλά τραγικό. Απλά τραγικό.
Για το facebook και για πολλές άλλες εφαρμογές (πχ Skype) τα γενέθλια είναι δημόσια πληροφορία· κάτι σαν το όνομα. Το facebook στο κάνει πανεύκολο να ευχηθείς στον άλλον βάζοντας σου φάτσα κάρτα ποιος έχει γενεθλία την ίδια μέρα. Με ένα απλό μήνυμα, μπορείς να ευχηθείς!!! Απλά κι εύκολα. Και ξαφνικά, βλέπεις ανθρώπους που γενικά δεν σου μιλάν –ίσως κι αν τους δεις στον δρόμο να μην χαιρετηθείτε καν– να σου αφήνουν χρόνια πολλά στον Τοίχο. Γιατί; Γιατί είναι εύκολο. Και επικρατεί η λογική του «ε, γιατί να μην το κάνω; Χαμένο δεν θα πάει!»
Πραγματικά, δεν με πειράζει αν κάποιος δεν θυμηθεί τα γενέθλια μου. Δεν προσβάλομαι ή κάτι τέτοιο. Όμως, αντιθέτως, κάτι μισώ: ναι, βλάκα ανώνυμε γνωστέ (στο μυαλό μου έχω κάτι σαν το σήμα των Anonymous συνδυασμένο με διάφορους άκυρους γνωστούς που η επαφή μου μαζί τους είναι κατα κόρον σποραδική και εξ ολοκλήρου ψηφιακή). Ναι, θα ΠΑΕΙ χαμένο. Σου δίνω στο πιάτο την μέρα των γενεθλίων μου κι εσύ μου εύχεσαι και νομίζεις ότι είσαι κι ευγενικός. Θα μου πεις: και τι θέλεις να κάνω!! Να μην σου ευχηθώ; Ναι, ακριβώς αυτό θέλω να κάνεις: γιατί αν μου ευχηθείς επειδή απλά στο βγάζει μπροστά σου μια βάση δεδομένων μαζί με ένα εύχρηστο κούμπι «Wish!» έχει περίπου την ίδια χρησιμότητα με το Γειατικανειςκαλάεσυκαλά. Είναι μια άδεια νοήματος κοινωνική σύμβαση. Αν το κωλοφέισμπουκ δεν ήταν εκεί για να σου πει πότε έχω γενέθλια και το ποιος είμαι (περίπου), ούτε θα ήξερες πότε να μου ευχηθείς αλλά ούτε και τι να μου ευχηθείς. Εδώ έγκειται το κρίσιμο ερώτημα: γιατί είσαι φίλος με άτομα τα οποία δεν ξέρεις, Δημήτρη; Η απάντηση είναι πως, για το φέισμπουκ, δεν έχει σημασία το πόσο ξέρεις τον άλλον. Χα! Για ποιους μας περάσατε, κυρίες μου; Αξιολογικά κριτήρια; Ο μελλοντικός κουμπάρος σου είναι το ίδιο με την γκόμενα που ερωτεύτηκες χτες στο πάρτι ενω ήσουν ντυμένος ο ίδιος γκόμενα, και αυτοί οι δύο είναι ίδιοι με τον συμφοιτητή που βλέπεις πού και πού στον δρόμο, είναι γενικά παράξενος τύπος αλλά τον συμπαθείς. Όλοι είμαστε φίλοι, μια χαρούμενη κιτς παρέα. Και σε μια χαρούμενη κιτς παρέα, τίποτα δεν μπορεί να επιβιώσει εκτός από το ανόητο. Στην χαρούμενη κιτς παρέα, τίποτα απ’όσα εύχεσαι δεν θα γίνει ποτέ πραγματικότητα γιατί η χαρούμενη κιτς παρέα ποτέ δεν θα Ξεκολλήσει για να κυνηγήσει την πραγματική ζωή.
Πέρσι είχα κάνει ένα πείραμα εμπνευσμένος και από το αντίστοιχο post του Here’s My Theory. Στο ψεύτικο προφίλ μου είχα βάλει λάθος ημερομηνία (τα γενέθλια μου ήταν η μέρα που δολοφονήθηκε ο Franz Ferdinand στο Σαράγεβο). Όταν η 28η Ιουνίου ήρθε, έλαβα μερικές ευχές. Δεν περίμενα τίποτα διαφορετικό. Αλλά καμία από αυτές τις ευχές δεν ήταν από άτομα τα οποία με ήξεραν ουσιαστικά.
Στο προφίλ που έχω τώρα στο φέισμπουκ, έχω βάλει τα γενέθλια μου να είναι κρυφά για όλους. Μαντέψτε: ο τοίχος μου δεν σπιλεύτηκε ούτε με μία βεβιασμένη ευχή σήμερα. Ταυτόχρονα όμως, ένιωθα ξεχασμένος, όπως προανέφερα. Γιατί δεν με θυμήθηκε κανείς από όλους αυτούς που δεν ανήκουν στον στενότερο κύκλο αγαπημένων ανθρώπων μου; Το φατσοβιβλίο σου δίνει την αίσθηση της κοινότητας με όλους όσους είναι ονλάιν ή είναι φίλοι σου: νιώθεις πως κατα κάποιον τρόπο βρίσκονται στον ίδιο χώρο μαζί σου. Και έτσι, όταν σε αγνοούν ονλάιν, έχεις περισσότερες πιθανότητες να ταυτίσεις αυτή την συμπεριφορά με το πώς θα ήταν αν σε αγνοούσαν αν όντως ήσασταν μαζί στον ίδιο χώρο. Αν είχα τα γενέθλια μου ορατά για όλους θα λάμβανα πολλές ευχές και θα χαιρόμουν, για λίγο, με αυτή την πρέζα ματαιοδοξίας. Θα ήταν όμως μια ψεύτική πρέζα, γεμάτη κενές ευχές που θα πατάγανε σε υποτροφικές σχέσεις. Ένιωσα λίγο αυτό το τρομακτικό «ό,τι δεν είναι στο facebook, δεν υπάρχει καν». Ανατρίχιασα. Και πιστεύω ότι όσο περισσότερο όλοι έχουν τα γενέθλια τους στο facebook, όλοι και λιγότεροι άνθρωποι θα μπαίνουν στον κόπο να θυμούνται ημερομηνίες. Για άλλη μια φορά, ένα τεχνολογικό εργαλείο αμφιβόλου αξίας μας έκλεψε ένα στοιχείο χρησιμότητας από το καλύτερο εργαλείο του κόσμου: το μυαλό μας.
Χτες και σήμερα δεν χρειάστηκε να απαντήσω κουρασμένα σε ψεύτικες ευχές. Το timeline μου δεν θα καταγράψει για πάντα, σαν κάποιου είδους ιστορικό γεγονός άξιο μνήμης, την συλλογή από κούφια «χρόνια πολλά» και «να τα εκατοστήσεις» με ευρηματικότητα και αίσθημα που φλερτάρει με το μηδέν. Απόλαυσα τις αυθεντικές ευχές από ανθρώπους που θα με θυμούνταν, με τον τρόπο τους, ακόμα κι αν εγώ ο ίδιος ξέχναγα ποια μέρα γεννήθηκα σαν σύμπτωμα αποδομισμίτιδας σε τελευταίο στάδιο.
Η καλύτερη ευχή που έλαβα σήμερα ήταν το «Όσα χρόνια θέλεις». Ναι ρε φίλε!
